Jane Mose
Author, speaker, teacher, and mom dedicated to showing Christian love to children with special needs and their families
A CHILD'S PRIVACY VS. PARENTAL SELF-CARE: FINDING BALANCE
Parents raising children with extraordinary needs must make the same judgment call week after week, month after month, and year after year: Whom can I talk to about what’s happening with my child? Concerned parents know that their children need some level of privacy. We probably don’t want to share information like this with just anyone:
- A child’s struggle with embarrassing problems, such as bed-wetting into the teen years, excessive fears, and over-sensitivities
- An adopted child’s birth family history, including any trauma the child experienced before placement
- A child’s behavioral issues and major meltdowns that happen on a regular basis
- A child’s struggles with an addiction
- The child’s diagnoses that have negative connotations and might even make other parents reluctant to allow playdates
- Other mental health issues, such as the child doing self-harm or having a history of attempting suicide
We can all understand why it is important to keep these things private (outside of letting medical professionals, therapists, and teachers know what is necessary to work with your child). We want to protect our children from embarrassment and from being pre-judged by those who don’t know them. We want our children to have the right as they get older to decide how much of their personal information they wish to share. We want to recognize that once information is widely shared, future employers will probably know about it.
But when parents dealing with these challenging issues with their children every day, it can also be detrimental to those parents to keep what they are experiencing to themselves. Probably the biggest challenge faced by parents of children with extraordinary needs is isolation. Parents feel alone and overwhelmed in their struggles, but they want to respect their children’s privacy, so they don’t tell others what they are going through—after all, parents need to be self-sacrificing and put their children first, right? The obvious results for the parents can include exhaustion, stress, depression, anxiety, and mental and physical health problems of their own.
So, how do we parents of children with extraordinary needs balance each child’s need for privacy with our need for encouragement and support from others? It’s never easy, but here are a few thoughts that might help.
You can’t care for a child with extraordinary needs well if you don’t take care of yourself.
If you are exhausted, how can you cheerfully and lovingly care for a child with great needs? The same is true if you are under great stress, depressed, anxious, or suffering health problems. Having a network of people to support and encourage you can make all the difference. Sometimes talking with a friend can keep you from becoming discouraged and even help re-energize you! This will benefit not only you, but also your child.
Put together a circle of confidants, but keep the circle small.
It is important to respect your child’s privacy, but you also shouldn’t feel totally isolated with the challenges you’re experiencing. Carefully choose a few people whom you know you can trust, and talk with them. They can be close friends, extended family members, spiritual leaders—you know best who would be a willing listener and yet keep the information you share private. Reaching out to safe, trustworthy people will not destroy your child’s reputation and future.
Never put negative information about your child in social media posts.
It can be tempting to post the problems you are experiencing on Facebook or Twitter—you’ll probably get lots of supportive comments! But that information will then be on the Internet forever. If you do want to use social media to get constructive ideas from parents facing similar challenges, make sure you go to a private forum. Even there, avoid using your or your child’s real name or other identifying information. You should be able to get valuable tips without violating your child’s privacy.
Look to your church family for confidential support.
Each congregation is different, but consider the options in yours. Is there a pastor or staff minister to whom you can talk? Another parent of a child with special needs—possibly someone who is experienced but now an empty-nester? A special education teacher? A small group Bible study where information must be kept confidential? Jesus wants his people to show Christian love to one another. Someone in your congregation may be praying for the opportunity to support parents in this way!
Find a support group for parents facing challenges similar to yours.
Support groups usually have a “rule number one” that everything said in the group stays in the group. Try to find one that meets your whatever matches your situation. Many groups exist for parents who have adopted, parents of children with mental health needs, parents of children with specific diagnoses such as ADHD, autism, cerebral palsy, and more. In our connected world, we are no longer limited to what is available near our homes—virtual groups are available to meet online. This should definitely help reduce the isolation so many parents have had to experience in the past!
Remember that you are never alone.
God is with you. He knows the challenges you are facing, so you won’t be violating anyone’s privacy. And even though he knows everything that is happening, he loves you and your child more than you can possibly imagine. Talk to him everywhere you go. Pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Nothing will be more helpful to you—and your child!
Email: jane.mose@janemose.com
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