AN OPEN LETTER TO MY FELLOW SELF-SACRIFICING MOMS

Dear Moms,

I dropped the ball again. I was going to start posting on this blog faithfully, once per week. I’m paying for the hosting site. I enjoy writing. I don’t want to let money go to waste or to set aside one of my favorite activities for a long period of time. Yet as I write today, I see it has been eight months since my last blog post.

I’ve had lots of reasons (or are they excuses)?

I can see lots of reasons that I fell behind. At the time of my last post, I was sick with what was probably COVID-19, and recovery took seven weeks. The school where I taught shut down one month after my last post, and I needed to quickly pivot to remote teaching for my special education students. I wanted to get to know my first grandbaby who had just been born. I needed to spend the summer doing double teaching preparations, not knowing if I would be teaching in-person or online. And the list goes on and on. I always have legitimate—and very real—reasons for putting off the things I want to do.

It wasn’t the first time, or even close to the first time, that I’ve formulated a mental list of reasons that I was unable to meet my own goals. As a mom of six being challenged to meet my children’s special needs every day for over twenty years, I let a lot of things I wanted to do get pushed out of my life during those years. I didn’t take time to read the books that offered me a relaxing diversion or do the writing that I enjoy. Worst of all, I didn’t spend anywhere near the time I wanted in God’s Word and in prayer.

It was survival mode for me.

I was in survival mode for decades, doing what absolutely needed to get done for my family every day for about 16 hours or more and then dropping into bed exhausted. Living that way, I should have had major physical, mental, and spiritual health problems. I believe it was only by the grace of God that the problems I did have didn’t, for the most part, become too serious.

Can you relate to this?

Are you doing the same thing? Are you living each day in survival mode, doing what needs to be done, without taking time out for yourself? You may be saying to yourself, “I have no choice! My children have extraordinary needs, and no one really understands what it takes to raise them!” I get that. I really do. I experienced that for two decades. I may not know your specific situation, but I know what it’s like to have to push yourself day after day just to keep your head above water, unselfishly taking care of your family and putting your own needs and wishes aside for years. And I now realize that this is not God’s plan for us moms—even moms of children with extraordinary needs.

No matter how severe your children’s needs are, taking a break isn’t selfish. It isn’t a luxury. It is an absolutely crucial need.

Of course, you need to take care of your family. But God needs to come first. Time in his Word and in prayer will refresh you so that you are better able to wisely and patiently care for your children. Taking breaks to get rest and do things you enjoy will help preserve your mental and physical health so that you can be there for your children.

I wish I would have learned these things sooner. I still struggle with them, even though four of my six children have now grown up and moved out of the house. I need to learn to do what I enjoy and what I need in smaller chunks because the bigger time slots aren’t likely to be available. Maybe this could work for you.

You can make big changes by starting small!

• Do you like to read? How about reading just one chapter of a book each day, or listening to an audiobook while you commute?
• Do you like to write? Set aside 15 minutes of writing time per day, rather than waiting for a bigger amount of time to become available.
• Do you need time with God? Most of us do! Try to start with 10 minutes in the morning and 10 in the evening, when the kids are in bed, or let your husband take charge for 15 minutes per day while you go in your room, shut the door, and enjoy Bible reading and prayer.
• Do you need exercise? We all do. Aim for a five-minute walk each day at first, rather than promising yourself you’ll begin a bigger, more time-consuming exercise regimen.

Start small. Do it not only for yourself, but also for your family. Small chunks of self-care can turn into a huge blessing for all of you. And I’ll keep working on breaking my old habits, too!

Your Christian encourager,

Jane, the Imperfect Mom