FIVE THINGS ADOPTIVE PARENTS WISH YOU KNEW

In many ways, parents whose children have entered the family through adoption are just like other parents. They love their children and want to do their best to take care of their children’s physical, spiritual, emotional, academic, and social needs. But parents who have adopted also face some unique challenges that they wish their loved ones understood. Perhaps I’m being presumptive in writing this, as I can’t speak for all parents who have adopted. But as a parent who has adopted and who has many friends who have done the same, I think I can say that most of us wish you would understand the five statements that follow.

1. We adoptive parents don’t identify our children by how they came into the family.

We don’t say that our children are adopted, but rather, were adopted. We don’t have adopted children and birth children. Whether our children entered our families through adoption or through birth, they are simply our children. Some parents will even quip, “We have some children through adoption and some through birth. We can’t remember which are which.” While that’s a bit of an exaggeration, we don’t want any of our children to be referred to as “the adopted children.” And we definitely don’t want people to ask, “Did you adopt them, or are they your own?” All of our children are our own.

2. We don’t love children we have adopted any less than children who are born to us.

After we began the process of our first adoption, we found out that I was pregnant. I’ll never forget the phone call I made to the adoption worker at our agency. When I told her I was pregnant, she said the adoption was off. When I asked why, she said, “Because you won’t love an adopted child as much as a birth child.” My first thought upon hearing this was that this person had no business working in an adoption agency. If you believe that parents can’t love children who were adopted as much as they love children born to them, why would you place a child into that home through adoption? No matter how a child enters a family, good parents love that child more than words can express.

3. Our children probably have extraordinary needs.

All children who have been adopted have been through trauma. They have lost their birthparents. Even if a child was well cared-for in a foster home and came into the adoptive home at a very young age, that trauma is still there. This is not to say that every birthmother should choose to parent her child in order to avoid this trauma; other factors must be weighed as well. It does mean that the child who was adopted is likely to have the types of academic, behavioral, and emotional special needs that are common among children who have experienced trauma.

Many children who have been adopted also faced other types of trauma, such as abuse or neglect, before being placed with their forever families. In addition, children often come with unknown health problems, especially if they were adopted internationally. It is important to adoptive parents that their extended families and friends are understanding and patient with them, as raising their children may take an extraordinary amount of the parents’ time and energy.

4. We adoptive parents are afraid that you might make negative judgments about us, especially if we ask for help.

As stated in the third point, because of their backgrounds, children who were adopted may have extra academic, behavioral, and emotional challenges. But people easily judge the parents of those children. Comments such as these are fairly common: “If I were raising that child, I’d discipline him, and he wouldn’t act like that.” “If only the parents would work more with this child, she wouldn’t have these problems with schoolwork.” “I don’t know why these children act like this. They were adopted so young that they can’t even remember what happened before then.”

Parents of children who were adopted may be hesitant to let you know about their challenges because they fear you’ll judge them as bad parents. They also may be afraid to ask for help for fear that you’ll say, “You chose to bring this child into the family. Since it was your decision, you need to deal with the results.” You’ll need to let adoptive parents know that you may not understand their challenges (especially if you have never adopted), but you know those challenges are real and want to support the parents.

5. We adoptive parents aren’t saints or heroes.

We don’t want our children to be told, “You ought to be grateful that your parents were willing to take you in!” That is a way to lay a permanent guilt trip on our children for being adopted, even though they probably had nothing to do with the decision! Adoption is a blessing both ways. Yes, the child who finds a loving family and a forever home is blessed through adoption. But so are the parents and siblings of that child. While Christian parents may adopt out of love for God, because he tells us to care for orphans (see James 1:27), those parents also eagerly look forward to having a child–or, another child–to love.

Those of us who have adopted children don’t seek your admiration. But we truly could use your love and support.