PARENTING WITH HYPER-VIGILANCE

Hyper-vigilance. It’s a term normally associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It refers to living in a constant state of anxiety and awareness–always being “on guard.” We understand why soldiers returning from war zones struggle with hyper-vigilance. But most people don’t realize that a large percentage of parents raising students with special needs also live in a constant state of hyper-vigilence.

Here are just a few examples of what parenting with hyper-vigilance is like:

• The phone rings during the school day, and a mom’s heart skips a beat with the fear that the school is calling to say her child has had another seizure.
• A dad takes his son to a playground but stays within arm’s reach of him the whole time, concerned that his boy might run away or start a fight with another child.
• A parent who just left home remembers, “I forgot to lock up the cabinet with the knives!” and calls home in a panic, realizing that the depressed teenage daughter at home may find them and use them to cut herself.
• A parent of a child with fragile health constantly washes and disinfects surfaces, watches to make sure no one who has a cold gets close to the child, keeps the child close whenever at the doctor’s office in order to avoid touching germy surfaces, and becomes frightened at the first sign of any possible sickness in the family.
• As a mom shops with her son, she keeps surveying the store, thinking, “The announcements over the P.A. are too loud. The lights are too bright. There’s too much stimulation in this aisle. I can’t find a checkout lane without candy displayed. What if he has a meltdown before I can check out with this full cart?”
• Parents avoid going to church as a family because they are afraid that their child will have an outburst during the service or run around the sanctuary.

Many more examples are possible, but you get the idea. Parents with special-needs children develop this hyper-vigilance naturally as they learn to take care of their children. But hyper-vigilance takes an enormous toll on parents emotionally, physically, mentally, and even spiritually. If you recognize signs of hyper-vigilance in your parenting, here are some things you can do to reduce the negative impact on you:

Don’t compare yourself to parents of children without special needs.

Your parenting may seem over-anxious and overprotective when you compare it to the parenting style of your friends, but their children don’t have the same needs as yours. (If they did, those parents would probably be hyper-vigilant too!) You have learned to be hyper-vigilant because you love your children and want the best for them. It’s not something you can completely remove from your life. But acknowledging that you are living in a state of hyper-vigilance is the first step toward taking care of yourself and using coping strategies.

Give yourself a break.

I know–we’ve all been told that we need to take some time away from our children and relax as a couple or with friends, but that’s not easy to do when raising children with special needs. Taking a break may not be as easy as hiring a teen-aged baby-sitter and going out for a night, as no teen-ager may be able to handle your child’s unique needs. But you do need breaks. If you have family members or friends nearby, tell them what you are going through. Ask if they would be willing to learn about your child’s needs so that they could give you an occasional night away. If you have no one close by who can do that, at least tag-team as parents, giving one parent, then the other, the opportunity to have a fun night out with friends. 

Join a support group.

Raising children with special needs is very isolating, and it can seem as if no one can truly understand what you are going through. But your community may have support groups available for parents of children with all sorts of special needs: children with cerebral palsy, children with mental illnesses, children who were adopted, children with attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder, children with autism, and much more. Your child’s doctor may be able to help you find what you need, although often a quick Internet search will work just as well.

Going to a support group can help you by reducing your feelings of isolation, giving you a chance to share your story in a safe place, helping you learn coping tips from other parents in similar situations, and more. Again, it can be hard to get away, but talk to the group leader. It is likely that other parents have had the same obstacle, and the group might have worked out a way to make it easier to attend.

Make your physical and mental health needs a priority.

We parents of children with special needs always prioritize our children’s needs above our own–I get it! But no one can do that indefinitely without it resulting in serious health problems. Here are some ways to prioritize your needs:

• Realize that there is nothing wrong with saying “no” to the types of volunteer commitments that most parents are expected to make–you need a lot more time and energy than the average parent just to keep your child safe and healthy.
• Give yourself permission to go to bed on time every night, even if the house isn’t clean and the paperwork isn’t done.
• When you grocery shop, get healthy foods that are easy to grab quickly so that even when you’re rushed, you can eat healthy items (think meat and fruits) rather than grabbing a bag of chips. Consider using online grocery shopping so that you can order good foods ahead, pick them up at a designated time, and avoid all the challenges of shopping with children.
• Get some exercise each day, even if it’s walking around your yard or house or working out with an exercise video.
• Most importantly, take care of your mental health by spending time each day in God’s Word; by doing deep-breathing when things get stressful; and by seeing a counselor when the stress is getting overwhelming.

Keep in mind God’s love and his promises to you.

Thinking about God’s love and his promises have been huge for me–I often wonder how I ever could have gotten through our most challenging situations as parents without my faith. At various times, the future for one child or another has seemed bleak. Whenever that happens, I remind myself that God loves my children even more than I do, and that he has promised to make all things work for the good of those who love him. (See Romans 8:28.) He also has a plan for each of us, including children with special needs. (See Jeremiah 29:11.) And when I don’t know what to do as a parent, which is often, I can trust in him for wisdom. (See Proverbs 3:5,6; James 1:5.) God loves me, the frazzled, hyper-vigilant parent, and he loves you too. Go to his Word, and pray to him, and you will find rest (Matthew 11:28).