RAISING EXCEPTIONAL KIDS: NO ONE REALLY KNOWS

So far, raising our exceptional kids has been a 24-year journey. My husband and I have been blessed with six children. Three entered our family through birth, and three through international adoption. (Sometimes we forget which are which!) Our kids have had many unique needs due to such things as physical disabilities, ADHD, traumatic experiences/backgrounds, giftedness, fragile health, and much more. We have experienced a variety of educational options—home schooling, parochial schools, and public schools—as we tried to do what was best for each child according to his or her needs at the time. We have done our best as parents. But we have also made plenty of mistakes along the way that turned into learning experiences I’m now ready to share with other parents of exceptional kids.

One thing I have learned is that no one really knows a number of things.

No one really knows what their kids will be like.

As I held each of my beautiful children for their first time as a baby or young toddler, I really didn’t know a lot about him or her. As the children grew, I got to know them as the unique individuals they are. Here are some of the many things I learned about my children as they grew:

• Who would have an aptitude for music, and who would have an aptitude for art, or for working on computers, or for helping little children
• Who would struggle due to profound giftedness, and who would be twice exceptional
• Who would be very quiet, who would be outgoing, and who could be either depending on the situation
• Who would have fragile health and require numerous hospitalizations, and who would rarely have any health problems
• And whom I could love as if he or she were my only child, no matter what (Each of them!)

No one really knows what to do all the time as a parent.

Raising kids is definitely a learn-as-you-go job. No one has parenting experience when their first child enters the family. Experience with kids? Possibly. But experience being a parent? That’s different.

I had experience with children before I became a parent. I was a teacher. I’d been a third-grade and a fifth-grade elementary school teacher. I’d also worked with students with special needs of all ages. I had a bachelor’s degree in elementary education and a master’s degree in special education, plus graduate-level training in school counseling. I should have had all the answers, right?

I didn’t. I soon learned that I couldn’t be as objective with my own children as I needed to be. Even though I could teach other parents’ children with disabilities, helping my own daughter as she struggled to hold a pencil felt totally different. Even though counseling other parents’ children who had been through trauma had tugged at my heartstrings, when it was my own children, if felt totally different.

Even after I had gained parenting experience with my older children, I often didn’t have the answers I needed with the younger ones. I remember when my oldest four children were all ages four and under. By the time the fourth child came along, my husband and I felt like we were experts at “baby-proofing” the house. We had the locks on the cupboard doors, gates in the doorways and at the top of the stairs, dangerous items out of reach, and the like. Everything was in place—until our fourth child began to crawl. We then discovered that the gates could be climbed over and the locks jimmied, and items “out of reach” could be reached if an ambitious child pushed a chair over to a counter or large piece of furniture and started climbing! Each child is unique. Even with our sixth child, we are still learning as we go.

No one really knows what struggles other parents have behind closed doors.

Most of the time I did not share with others the various struggles my kids were having and the diagnoses they were given. Some things were obvious; when my daughter began using her red and white cane, people quickly realized she was visually impaired! But I wanted to protect my children’s privacy as much as possible. I didn’t tell others that my son had severe ADHD until he was old enough to decide for himself to give me permission. I didn’t tell anyone about my children’s backgrounds before they were adopted, and I still don’t, because I feel those are their stories to tell, not mine. I didn’t even tell anyone that my daughter was profoundly gifted until she was old enough to give me permission, because I wanted to protect her privacy and not have others think she was “different.” I didn’t tell about things that children who have experienced trauma go through, like attachment disorder, debilitating anxiety, trichotillomania (hair-pulling), and addictions.

The results? My husband and I often had to go it alone. People would wonder why I always looked so tired, and they told me to take better care of myself. They would tell my husband and me to go out as a couple, not realizing that at certain stages in our child-raising, leaving certain children with baby-sitters was not possible. I’ll write more in the future about things I learned about protecting our kids’ privacy while still taking care of ourselves, as well as how we can support parents of kids with exceptional needs.

No one really knows that they can raise exceptional kids until they do.

The first two times we adopted, we requested children who were healthy and didn’t have special needs. With two other children at home, we didn’t think we would be able to meet the needs of children with exceptional needs. I also never imagined myself as a homeschooling mom, so I let my husband know before we were married that I never wanted to homeschool. But God had different plans for us, and we ended up doing both adopting children with special needs and homeschooling.

I’m thankful we didn’t end up limited by what we thought we could handle. What if we had known that each of the children we adopted were going to have special needs? I’d hate to think that we wouldn’t have adopted, because I can’t imagine our lives without these members of our family. Homeschooling, too, became an incredible blessing to our family and to me personally. You truly don’t know what you can do until you need to do it. God strengthens those whom he has called to a task!

No one really knows how much you can love your exceptional kids until you have them.

Has raising our kids been a challenge? Absolutely. To be honest, sometimes it has been exhausting, expensive, discouraging, stressful, and lonely. But has it been worth it all? It absolutely has. We love all six more than we can say. Having a lot of kids doesn’t mean you love each one less than you would if you only had one or two children. Instead, the love in your heart multiplies. And having to focus on a child’s special needs doesn’t make that child any more or less precious to loving parents. At various times we’ve had to focus our attention on one child more than the others—they’ve all taken their turns! But at all times, the love we have for each of them has been more mere words can describe.

I hope you’ll enjoy the journey with me as I share with you some of the many things I’ve learned about raising exceptional kids!